His Needs Her Needs: Building An Affair Proof Marriage Study Questions
1. Harley begins his book by giving examples of good, Christians who end up having affairs. They entered marriage just like we did, with hopes of a strong future and divorce not being an option. He then explains the “Love Bank” concept. Every person has a love bank account for every person they come in contact with. Every day these people either make a positive deposit or a negative withdrawal. When we fulfill our spouse’s needs we leave deposits, and when we don’t we take withdrawals. He says divorce and affairs happen when we don’t have a high amount of love units in the bank.
What are your thoughts on the love bank? Do you think this is an accurate concept? Do you see it as an accurate portrayal of your relationship with people and your spouse?
Michelle: I think that he hit the nail on the head. I can definitely see from the example of that couple how people can think they’ve “fallen-out-of-love” because their love bank units are really low. I love the concept and I think its important to work hard to make positive deposits in your spouse’s love bank so they feel important to you and enjoy being with you.
Julie: I think that when your love bank is full then you feel loved and appreciated. When your spouse is always taking things away and making withdrawals then soon we will feel empty and alone. We both need to put in effort and constantly make love deposits to feel in-love.
Kevin: Hello my friends. I would say that it is pretty accurate. If your stash of love is low then you probably will go looking elsewhere to get it replenished once it gets low, even if it isn’t necessarily with another person - perhaps a hobby.
Mom: I can see how we unconsciously deposit and withdraw from our love banks as we deal with others, especially family members. I thought the love bank concept is pretty accurate, but I think most of the time we do it without thinking about it. I’m not sure we should consciously think about only doing things because they will put deposits in our spouse’s account, but maybe that has a place as well? It’s good to know what is important to our spouse, but that shouldn’t be used as a weapon to control each other - to withhold or give things that meet their needs in a revengeful or controlling way.
2. In the book a woman’s top five emotional needs (in no specific order) are
Were your needs pretty typical? Or did you find your needs were atypical? What about your spouses? Did you have any revelations when you took the quiz together at the back of the book?
2. In the book a woman’s top five emotional needs (in no specific order) are
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and Openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family Support
A husband’s top five emotional needs are (in no specific order)1. Sexual Fulfillment
2. Recreational Companionship
3. Attractive Spouse
4. Domestic Support
5. Admiration
Were your needs pretty typical? Or did you find your needs were atypical? What about your spouses? Did you have any revelations when you took the quiz together at the back of the book?
Michelle: When we took the quiz I realized that I am pretty typical, but I also have a high need for domestic support. If James didn’t help me with dishes or help me at all at home we would be in a very bad place. ;) James was pretty typical, but had a high need for conversation and not a high need for recreational companionship. The way he described it was “I would be sad if you weren’t supportive of my hobbies, but I don’t think you need to cook with me, or play racquetball with me.” I’m glad we took the quiz because while I was satisfied with everything, Jim wasn’t completely so I never would have known if we didn’t take the time to do the quiz and see what areas we needed improvement on.
Kevin: Yep I’d say they are pretty accurate.
Mom: I think the top needs were pretty accurate for us as well, but perhaps not in exactly that order.
3. Some needs, such as sexual fulfillment or financial support, can ONLY be met by your spouse. Harley emphasizes the importance of each spouse working hard to identify and meet their spouse’s emotional needs to affair-proof their marriage.
Why do you think its important to not only meet the needs that only you, the spouse, can fulfill – but also the other needs, such as conversation and affection? Why do these needs bring you closer together as a couple?
3. Some needs, such as sexual fulfillment or financial support, can ONLY be met by your spouse. Harley emphasizes the importance of each spouse working hard to identify and meet their spouse’s emotional needs to affair-proof their marriage.
Why do you think its important to not only meet the needs that only you, the spouse, can fulfill – but also the other needs, such as conversation and affection? Why do these needs bring you closer together as a couple?
Michelle: Well, obviously, we have to meet the needs that only a spouse can fulfill because no one else can do them. Some things, like talking to a sister or doing things with friends, can help, but it can only get you so far if you aren’t doing them with your spouse (or best-friend). I think its important to continue to build your foundation of marriage by being supportive, kind, etc. and meeting your spouses need because you will continue to like each other’s company and love being around each other.
Julie: As you meet all of their needs, you bring yourself closer together and become one. It shows that your are truly their best friend and that you care for them. As you meet their other needs you not only are feeling physical intimacy, but you feel spiritual an emotional intimacy.
Wendy: I think in order to be a complete person you need a variety of things in your life. I think you’re more willing to be intimate if you continue to build up other areas of your relationship. You feel more secure and willing to put yourself out there. I think that if you only focus on one or two things and let the other things go you can find holes in your relationship and if those holes are not fixed they become bigger, and no matter how much support you give in other areas, things can still slip through.
Kevin: I’d say it helps to show your spouse that you care about them and not just yourself.
Kevin: I’d say it helps to show your spouse that you care about them and not just yourself.
Mom: I liked the idea he presented of how we each have our circle of interests, but if our circles don’t overlap, we just keep growing farther apart. I think that is really true. So many couples slowly grow apart over the years by not keeping their “circles” together and having overlapping interests and not meeting each other’s needs. I think it’s valuable to review these things every year or two as your needs & wants change as your circumstances and family change. oh yes, that was neat, I had forgotten about that part!
Here are a few questions from my marriage class I'm taking at church:
4. It’s important to understand that even though we speak with our spouse about our needs that we do not “withhold affection” if our spouse doesn’t meet those needs completely. We learn from the prophets that “withholding support or affection as punishment” is a form of emotional abuse. “No man who engages in such evil or unbecoming behavior is worth of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord. I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children.” – Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
Having a discussion with your spouse about your emotional needs is not a platform for demanding things from each other. For example, if your husband felt loved if he came home to a clean home (domestic support) he shouldn’t withhold support or affection to you if you don’t always have a clean home. The same goes for any of the areas above. If you feel your spouse is overweight, or not working hard enough, or is not meeting your sexual needs, that does not mean you can withhold affection to them. Making you feel guilty if you don’t always meet his/her needs, or telling you that you must not love him/her because you aren’t always giving 100% is unrighteous and destructive, and we know is a form of emotional abuse.
We know we can’t change another person’s behavior, so what can we do to be certain we don’t fall in to this cycle of withholding affection if our needs aren’t met?
Here are a few questions from my marriage class I'm taking at church:
4. It’s important to understand that even though we speak with our spouse about our needs that we do not “withhold affection” if our spouse doesn’t meet those needs completely. We learn from the prophets that “withholding support or affection as punishment” is a form of emotional abuse. “No man who engages in such evil or unbecoming behavior is worth of the priesthood of God. No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord. I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children.” – Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley
Having a discussion with your spouse about your emotional needs is not a platform for demanding things from each other. For example, if your husband felt loved if he came home to a clean home (domestic support) he shouldn’t withhold support or affection to you if you don’t always have a clean home. The same goes for any of the areas above. If you feel your spouse is overweight, or not working hard enough, or is not meeting your sexual needs, that does not mean you can withhold affection to them. Making you feel guilty if you don’t always meet his/her needs, or telling you that you must not love him/her because you aren’t always giving 100% is unrighteous and destructive, and we know is a form of emotional abuse.
We know we can’t change another person’s behavior, so what can we do to be certain we don’t fall in to this cycle of withholding affection if our needs aren’t met?
Michelle: This is a hard question. I think mainly don’t do it? Marriage is about loving unconditionally.
Julie: If you change yourself and don’t go back to the old you, the whole system has to change to accommodate the new you.
Wendy: Love. Love. Love. There are things about your spouse that will drive you crazy. Just because they do, doesn’t mean that your spouse is a bad person. Remember why you love them and look at the good qualities that they have. Focus on those and not the negative. There may be things that you would like to change in your spouse, but your nagging and belittling them will not make them want to make a “real” change. It may happen temporarily, but may not last, or be done with the attitude that you hoped for. In fact they may resent you for it and make sure not to change, just because.
An example we’ve seen. Ron has been overweight for a while, and I’ve been trying to help him lose some weight. He’s kind of gone along with it, but it was a challenge. Recently HE determined for himself that HE was going to lose weight and be more healthy. HE did, not me. I loved him before and supported him, but what a difference when HE made the decision for himself. Not me pressuring him and bugging him. We are all children of God. He loves us and doesn’t withhold his love for us because we are not perfect. We do not have the right to do so, especially to our spouses.
Kevin: Interesting question... The reason you aren’t giving affection as much is because your love bank isn’t being met. So now you have 2 opposing forces pushing against each other. You got to get that turned around. You need to somehow get yourself in the mode to give the affection when you don’t think the other person deserves it... very hard. but you can’t fully give your full affection unless your needs are being met, no matter how hard you try. It’s like someone you love doing bad things. We love them but have the action, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences or new differences on how we react with them...
Mom: We know that we can never change another person, no matter how much we wish we could. We each have our Agency, and that is something super important for our growth. I think the author’s point in writing this book was to help us look to our spouse for our needs so we don’t look outside the marriage to have those needs met. Over the years we have also been given wise counsel from church leaders to not put ourselves in a position where we could easily fall into situations that would compromise our marriage. Regardless of if our needs are met or not, we shouldn’t be alone with someone (I was going to say of the opposite sex, but Wendy pointed out several “couples” we left their spouse for someone of the same sex). we shouldn’t put others in an intimate position where we give them the opportunity to meet our unmet needs if at all possible. If our needs aren’t met, we can try discussing it with our spouse, but we then have to turn to the Lord for help in having those needs met or having those needs subdued so we don’t do something contrary to the commandments. The Lord commands us to be married and faithful, that means He will prepare a way for us to do that, even if our needs aren’t fully met. If we feel like something is lacking, we can turn to the Savior for help, don’t turn to someone outside the marriage for sympathy or support - or it can backfire into an affair which leads to more heartache for everyone involved (and not involved).
Kevin: I remember in college a member of the stake presidency was talking about that probably everyone will have a time when they will be confronted with a situation to be untrue with someone. I think it’s hard to believe but very true and to be aware of it
What are things we can do if our spouse refuses to support our needs, and instead makes more withdrawals than deposits in our love bank?
Mom: We know that we can never change another person, no matter how much we wish we could. We each have our Agency, and that is something super important for our growth. I think the author’s point in writing this book was to help us look to our spouse for our needs so we don’t look outside the marriage to have those needs met. Over the years we have also been given wise counsel from church leaders to not put ourselves in a position where we could easily fall into situations that would compromise our marriage. Regardless of if our needs are met or not, we shouldn’t be alone with someone (I was going to say of the opposite sex, but Wendy pointed out several “couples” we left their spouse for someone of the same sex). we shouldn’t put others in an intimate position where we give them the opportunity to meet our unmet needs if at all possible. If our needs aren’t met, we can try discussing it with our spouse, but we then have to turn to the Lord for help in having those needs met or having those needs subdued so we don’t do something contrary to the commandments. The Lord commands us to be married and faithful, that means He will prepare a way for us to do that, even if our needs aren’t fully met. If we feel like something is lacking, we can turn to the Savior for help, don’t turn to someone outside the marriage for sympathy or support - or it can backfire into an affair which leads to more heartache for everyone involved (and not involved).
Kevin: I remember in college a member of the stake presidency was talking about that probably everyone will have a time when they will be confronted with a situation to be untrue with someone. I think it’s hard to believe but very true and to be aware of it
What are things we can do if our spouse refuses to support our needs, and instead makes more withdrawals than deposits in our love bank?
Michelle: I think this would be hard for me. I guess I don’t know.
Julie: Talk to your bishop maybe, but diffidently seek help from the Lord.
Wendy: Try your best to be loving and supportive to your spouse. Sometimes they might be going through a stressful time, etc. You don’t always know the reasons that they act the way they do. That doesn’t make it right, but I think we need to be understanding of them. Now with that said, we need to make sure that we do not allow ourselves to be caught up in the trap of “being taken advantage of.” Marriage is a two way commitment. If we give our best and so does our spouse things should work out. Keep close to the Lord. He wants us to be happy. If you are in an abusive situation seek help. I’m not saying go blab to mom about all of your spouses imperfections, but make sure that others are aware that something is off. I keep thinking about Susan Cox Powell and what her life must have been like and the impact her “disappearance” had on her boys.
Kevin: For me it would be to have a letter written to me or something that I can read in a non-confrontational matter and then have time to myself. Then I can think about things and hopefully realize that changes need to be made.
Mom: I think the letter idea is good - it’s generally less confrontational that a face to face talk when things are really bad. Sometimes I’ve written “letters” and then destroyed them - sometimes writing things down helps us realize it really isn’t all one sided - we get better perspective. Sometimes our spouse may be trying, and we just are looking at it from another angle and don’t realize what they are trying to do for us. I think that’s why it’s good to understand the language of love of each other. Doing dishes or “chores” is a way Dad shows his love for me, and that is easier for him to do than to be verbally affectionate. I need to realize that his love language may not be the same as mine, so then I can look at what he is doing to show his love and realize he really does love me. We can also talk about it so he knows that a verbal “I love you” is important to me, so he will know to do that for me, while maybe my folding his clothes shows him “I love you”. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes our spouse thinks they are making deposits, but we don’t always recognize them as such. If we truly have a situation where the spouse purposefully does things to make withdrawals, knowing full well that is what is happening, then I think the marriage is in serious trouble and counseling is needed. Both spouses HAVE to be willing to work together for a marriage to work - it can’t be a one sided operation and have both feel good about it.
Is there anything that can be done, do you think, if one spouse is unwilling to change, even if the other is trying everything they can?
Mom: I think the letter idea is good - it’s generally less confrontational that a face to face talk when things are really bad. Sometimes I’ve written “letters” and then destroyed them - sometimes writing things down helps us realize it really isn’t all one sided - we get better perspective. Sometimes our spouse may be trying, and we just are looking at it from another angle and don’t realize what they are trying to do for us. I think that’s why it’s good to understand the language of love of each other. Doing dishes or “chores” is a way Dad shows his love for me, and that is easier for him to do than to be verbally affectionate. I need to realize that his love language may not be the same as mine, so then I can look at what he is doing to show his love and realize he really does love me. We can also talk about it so he knows that a verbal “I love you” is important to me, so he will know to do that for me, while maybe my folding his clothes shows him “I love you”. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes our spouse thinks they are making deposits, but we don’t always recognize them as such. If we truly have a situation where the spouse purposefully does things to make withdrawals, knowing full well that is what is happening, then I think the marriage is in serious trouble and counseling is needed. Both spouses HAVE to be willing to work together for a marriage to work - it can’t be a one sided operation and have both feel good about it.
Is there anything that can be done, do you think, if one spouse is unwilling to change, even if the other is trying everything they can?
Michelle: Not really. You can’t change the other person. Marriage is about giving 100%.
Julie: Just focus on things you have control over.
Kevin: nope, you’re already trying your best.
Mom: The only way I can think of is through fasting and prayer. Sometimes we can’t get through to someone, but the Lord or his angels can.
In what ways can spouse abuse affect a couple’s children?
In what ways can spouse abuse affect a couple’s children?
Michelle: I think I agree with the church lesson we read last week - “spouse abuse sets a lasting example of trying to resolve difficulties in destructive ways. People who have witnessed such abuse as children often mistreat others and continue that pattern when they are married.”
Julie: The children will think that’s a normal relationship and seek for it in their own relationships.
Wendy: There is a vicious cycle of abuse that stems from a father abusing- or maybe even a mother, but usually the father abusing a mother. Her children see that as normal. Sons think that is how it is to done and daughters grow up thinking that is the norm. They might not even want to develop relationships later on in life if that is what they have to look forward too. Perhaps that is why we are seeing more and more homosexuality now days, because children are trying to break a cycle, but get messed up in the process. (Just a thought.)
Kevin: I agree
Mom: Abuse tends to continue on in families. Carolyn told me of a sister in her ward who was abused as a child. She later joined the church, and when she went for her Patriarchal Blessing she was told something to the effect that she was born into that family to break the cycle of abuse that had been perpetuated for generations - the Patriarch knew nothing about her upbringing or family situation. As adults we tend to mimic or imitate patterns we learned in childhood - especially what we see modeled by those closest to us and most influential - usually our parents.
How are children influenced when they see their parents resolve difficulties with kindness and patience?
How are children influenced when they see their parents resolve difficulties with kindness and patience?
Michelle: Again, I totally agree with Elder Hales from my lesson last week. “It helps children to see that good parents can have differing opinions and that these differences can be worked out without striking, yelling, or throwing things. They need to see and feel calm communication with respect for each other’s viewpoints so they themselves will know how to work through differences in their own lives” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1993, 10; or Ensign, Nov. 1993, 9). We should do everything we can to be good examples for our children because they will have our family dynamics as an example for their own relationships with their spouses and children.
Julie: They learn that their parents are normal real people like themselves, and they also see that disagreement is a normal thing and to not run away at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. They will then learn the different ways in which to handle disagreements healthily.
Kevin: Children learn how to act and to resolve conflict principally from home. Especially when there is a very stressful situation.
Julie: Children learn by what they see.
Mom: My parents weren’t perfect, and I know I am not a perfect parent. I think it’s ok to let children know that you aren’t perfect, and you know you aren’t perfect, but that you are trying to improve and do better. As they see you really trying to improve, they learn that they can also overcome hard situations through repentance. Ideally couples resolve differences in a peaceful manner and set a good example for their children, however, I don’t agree with some of the modern psychology points of view that blame everything an adult does on that person’s upbringing. The Lord put is in families as the ideal way to live on this earth - even though He knew families would not be perfect. We can grow and progress even if we haven’t always lived in “ideal” circumstances. We should do our best to have peace and harmony in our homes, but don’t use our past as an excuse for how we are acting today - we all can overcome our past with the Lord’s help.
4. What are your thoughts on the book? Did you like it? What did you or didn’t you like about the book?
4. What are your thoughts on the book? Did you like it? What did you or didn’t you like about the book?
Michelle: I loved the book. I also really liked the book His Needs Her Needs for Parents because it was more specific for couples who are busy with children and tasks and all that stuff. As a mom its hard for me to find time sometimes to really build on my marriage, and we all know from church how vital it is to have a strong marriage for our children to see, but also so our marriage doesn’t crumble when the children leave. I loved the book also because, as I said before, it helped James have a way to talk to me about things that he wasn’t satisfied with that I had no clue he was unhappy with before. I really love the book and would highly recommend it.
Kevin: I liked the book. Yes I liked it. It was helpful to realize that you are either making deposites into your bank or withdrawls.
Mom: I really liked the book and recommend reading it again from time to time. We read it several years ago, and I was surprised at how much I had forgotten! Although written by a Christian, he leaves out one important factor in my opinion, and that is the power of prayer and the Atonement. Sometimes we are not strong enough on our own to overcome our problems, no matter how hard we try. When we are in those circumstances, we HAVE to rely on prayer and the power of the Atonement to fill the gap. I believe that by calling on the Savior’s atonement, He can help us change where we have failed to change in the past. He can help us see the TRUE picture, not just our side of the picture. We tend to look at things from our own point of view, while the Savior can see not only into our heart, but into our spouse’s heart as well. The world (and the book) says we can’t change character, we change habits. That may be true for the World, but the Lord can actually change the heart, and I believe that does change the character of the individual.
5. The book had great advice on how to stay close as a couple. Do you have any other advice that you have on marriage that you’d like to share?
5. The book had great advice on how to stay close as a couple. Do you have any other advice that you have on marriage that you’d like to share?
Michelle: Have good communication. Remember the importance of marriage and pray for success of your marriage. Take time to listen to your spouse. Avoid ceaseless pinpricking. Keep your courtship alive with date-nights. Be quick to apologize and say you’re sorry. Live within your means and work together on your budget and spending. Share home and family responsibilities.
Kevin: Don’t worry about things that don’t matter, and don’t get easily upset. Remember to smile and try not to crunch your forehead down :)
Mom: Have a sense of humor. Say couple prayers together every night. Keep date nights going, even if they are cheap. (We would sometimes put the kids to bed and have a “date” at home - fix a different dinner and eat separately, or watch a movie in our bedroom, play games together or something like that if we couldn’t afford a babysitter or going out.) One of the prophets said to keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards - that mean to try not to let imperfections in your mate bother you too much. Focus on your blessings and you will see them, focus on weaknesses and you will find those instead. One thing that can help a marriage is to go to a single adult activity and you will see that there are mighty slim pickings out there! Do what you can to save your marriage so you don’t end up in that spot! (Dad was the high councilor over the single adults, so I would go to their activities with him.) Go through the marriage class manuals/courses the Church has to offer, and remember that your marriage is of utmost importance. Your children will eventually grow up and marry, and while you hope to still have close family bonds with them, it is your spouse you want to be with for all ETERNITY! Treat your spouse like a good friend and a lover too.
OK, I’m done with writing my book (huh, Kevin!) well, one more thing: While appearance may be an important need for a spouse, it is unrealistic to expect your spouse not to change physically over the years. Having children changes a mother’s body. Age changes everyone. While we may want to look our best and have our spouse look good, we also need to be realistic about it and not expect miracles. Too many (men especially) leave their wife to marry someone younger, then when she too gets old, they leave her to find another young wife - I believe that to be wrong and not according to the Lord’s plan. In all things we need to use good judgement tempered with mercy and long suffering.
OK, I’m done with writing my book (huh, Kevin!) well, one more thing: While appearance may be an important need for a spouse, it is unrealistic to expect your spouse not to change physically over the years. Having children changes a mother’s body. Age changes everyone. While we may want to look our best and have our spouse look good, we also need to be realistic about it and not expect miracles. Too many (men especially) leave their wife to marry someone younger, then when she too gets old, they leave her to find another young wife - I believe that to be wrong and not according to the Lord’s plan. In all things we need to use good judgement tempered with mercy and long suffering.
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